Never Split the DifferenceNever Split the Difference

Chris Voss spent years as the FBI's lead international kidnapping negotiator, and his argument is that the logical, split the difference style of negotiation taught in business schools falls apart with real people under pressure. People aren't rational when it matters. They're emotional, and the best negotiator is the one who understands that first.

His tools are surprisingly simple. Mirroring means repeating the last few words someone said, which gets them to keep talking and explain more. Labelling means naming the feeling you think they have, starting with something like "it sounds like", which calms them down. He'd rather hear "that's right" than "you're right", because the first means they feel understood and the second usually means they want you to stop. And instead of saying no, he asks questions that start with how or what, so the other side has to solve your problem for you.

He also recommends a calm, slow late night radio voice for most conversations. It sounds silly until you think of every tense conversation that went badly because someone's tone went up.

It's on the shelf because under all the hostage stories, it's a book about listening. That's useful for selling, for building something with other people, and for everyday arguments, which is where most negotiating actually happens.